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Friday, July 30, 2004
shes_a_sprite @ 8:10 AM.
Thursday, July 29, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 5:09 PM.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 12:03 PM.
shes_a_sprite @ 8:29 AM.
I can not tell you how happy I am to see this. Of course this constitutes a poem and thank goodness it does not rhyme because it is crystal clear that this came from the darkest parts within. The different emotions expressed here are marvelous. A tiny typo in the second stanza 2nd line "quite". I am proud and excited and oh so happy because I know how good it feels to let this out ;) Keep it up, you are so strong and awesome! :) Sunday, July 25, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 10:42 PM.
hehehe, I hope you finished this long drawn out boring paper...I can relate, except I got sick of it and changed my major to creative writing, hehehe ;) keep it up. :) Wednesday, July 21, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 2:25 PM.
Friday, July 16, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:27 AM.
There is nothing I can say but tell you, you are in my thoughts. This is something I am all to familiar with and I am always here if you need someone to talk to, cry to, scream at, or just simply sit quietly with. My only words are to enjoy your time with one another even if it is in the most miserable of places, enjoy being together. *Hug* :) Saturday, July 10, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 11:20 PM.
Ok my dear, I will do what I do best and that is be totally honest with you, so here we go... Sunday, July 04, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 7:54 PM.
When the S H * T hits the fan
Grrrrr..... It is funny how one day I can be going to an Evanescence concert (which was the most awesome experience ever) and loving life one day, and the very next be completely run over with financial responsabilities...
First let me start off with the positive! Evanescence rocked, totally! I enjoyed the entire evening!!! I was kind of upset that a new found friend withdrew at the last minute, but I understand her reasons, and wish her the best of luck in dealing with her traumas, which right now make mine seem like meer whining... (puts it in perspective) I want her to know that I am here if she needs someone to listen, as a shoulder if she needs to cry, she can scream, stomp, throw a hissy fit, what ever will ease her pain, I am here girl!
Kay, back to the concert... we ended up taking someone I didn't know, who in turn didn't know Evanescence, that blew my mind. I am sure he didn't truely appreciate her music, but I think he had a good time anyways. The concert was like 4 hours, my throat is still sore from screaming. Afterwards we went downtown Orlando to One Eyed Jacks, a bar with a live band... We, well two of us, danced, and we all drank and had a good ole time! Arriving home at 5 am the next morning I was loving life!
Well, upon waking up at noon (I took an annual leave day) I went into my office to catch up on some paper work. I have been behind since my grandmother had been in the hospital. In balancing mycheck book, and going through my paid bills (waiting to be filed) I noticed that I had no payment for one of my monthly bills, I immediately call to find out if this is so, and I now have a 40$ late fee... for a five day late charge... Again, looking at my check ledger I realize that my car insurance is being automatically deducted the day before payday (with not enough money in my account since I just paid summer and fall tuition.) I move funds from my almost nonexsistant savings account, and whew that went okay.
My anniversary date is listed wrong where I work, I went full time in July when I started, but they weren't sure if they were going to keep me where I was or give me a promotion. So they waited to move my status to full time, UNTIL OCTOBER. For three years now, I have been getting screwed out of like 3 months of raise. On top of this, they raised the starting pay of the position I had before I got the promotion, and they now make the same thing I do and I have been here three years, and I am cross trained. Well just between me and the internet, I am going to put out applications. I may wait until I graduate in December, but I am putting at least one in now. I have had it, I am tired of living pay check to pay check.
I am done ranting for now, I can't stand being dependant on anyone... I hate not being monitarly stable, it affects every aspect of life. It is always in the back of your mind, nibbling away at what little sanity you have left!
~H~
"His Spirit is Free"
Boy I am just full of inspiration today... My best friend, and dearest relative, has taken a bold step in gaining some confidence in himself... By no means is he a wuss or anything, he just seems to believe that his life is uneventful, boring, and that his problems don't Merritt by comparison. Just the opposite actually... I am interested in what he has to say, what he thinks, how he feels... I would like to know his opinion on everything! Well I for one would like to know that he is not a robot... (LOL) Humans are supposed to share their problems with one another, no matter how catastrophic or insignificant that problem may seem... I am ready to be here for him, as he has always been here for me, if he is ready to open up! This for you pal!!!!
I'm happy for him, that he's found someone, to finally share in his woes.
I'm just sorry you see, that it couldn't be me, who set his spirit free.
It's about time that he realized, you don't always have to be strong.
A listening ear, some one to hear, those things in which he fears.
He needs to confide, like others have in him, his innermost thoughts and doubts.
An outlet for pain, a play in the game, keeps one from going insane.
I'm just relieved, between you and me, that someone could pull him out.
Of the shell that he hides, when it's just a good lie, and thus he tries to deny.
I know that he's strong, as any man should be, so sharing these demons won't hurt.
A wave of relief, a strong belief, that again his spirit is free.
I am wondering why, in realizing that the world won't bite, it took him so very long.
Inspiringly, his spirit is free, and the rest will follow in creed.
He has always just been there, unwaveringly so, for everyone who needed him.
The favor is returned, no one will be burned, understand now it is his turn.
To lean on them, who hes kept from crumbling, and be held steadfast in their love.
It means the world to me, that he pursues his destiny, and that his spirit has been set free.
I Am
I needed to vent, didn't want to bother anyone with my innermost turmoil's, and though I am strong I am still human... I wish to be over these things once and for all. Do they ever go away? Will the past, that was not my fault, haunt me forever? My current living situation is not helping things. I love my mother, and she needs my help both financially and emotionally, to help her deal with her side of the issues. I don't deal with things as she does... I don't know how anybody that has been dealt a second chance at happiness, can overlook all the positive things in their life, and dwell only on the negativity of the past... But that is a constant reminder to me, and it is not healthy.
I don't know if this constitutes a poem or not, but I do know it came from my heart. It doesn't rhyme, but it does have a certain flow. Again, I am tired of hiding from it, it is past time to air it out and let it heal! The he in these writings are a multitude of hes... There were three, a babysitter, a step father, and my father... all just icing on the cake...
I am a product of my surroundings.
He beat me and I am tougher.
He raped me and I value innocence.
He degraded me and I refused to believe.
She was weak, and fell into a depression
That she never quite escaped.
I watched and I am stronger.
I experienced first hand, the effects
that one persons chemical dependency
can have on an entire family.
I will not make those mistakes,
I refuse to succumb to those ultimate
WEAKNESSES
I hurt too, but I channel those pains
to bettering myself.
I could sit here feeling pity,
but I still see where that leads,
NOWHERE
I feel an empty anger
at the weakness of others.
If I can prevail why can't she?
My hell was far worse than can be imagined
I was a child, innocent, in every meaning of the word
They were supposed to protect and love me,
but I do not question why.
I do not wish that these events never transpired
They played an important role in making me who
I am.
I am dealt adversity, and I will win my hand.
I am
Rachel said...
Words~
Meaningless words appear before my cursor. Flowing from my fingertips, like water from a fountain, until it dries up. Then the cursor blinks annoyingly awaiting my pounding fingers. Deadlines, boring books, word requirements... I love writing but not under these circumstances. My words as dull as those I've been forced to read... And I hate it, I can't add flair or beauty, it must be factual. Long, Drawn out, Dull... Worse than snow turned gray on the side of the road, on the most bitter day of the winters cold. So how do I overcome writers block, when it is my mind that is blocking?
Rachel said...
When it Rains... It Pours...
Okay, jeeze! I said I was going to start dating again, but I didn't take out an ad on the evening news... Very few people have this link... Do I have a sign on my back that says hey I'm easy hit on me? I mean come on... I said date not F***... there must be something in the air.
I am being hit on by a married ICU nurse, with two children. He is trying to buy his way into my bed, offering to pay for memberships to the gym, and victoria secret sets... Just wait till my Mema is out of that hospital... I am going to tell him where he can shove it!
On a more positive note, I was listening to the radio the other night and on comes this song that really touched me. It was in a battle (I guess against another new song) so I called the radio station to vote. (which I NEVER do) The song is called, Broken by Seether and Amy Grant... and this DJ answers the phone... We got to talking and didn't get off the phone until 0130 in the morning. This is like 3.5 hours of conversation with a guy I have never met. He went on vacation for a week, but called me the next day to say good bye, and asked me to dinner... So I have set myself up for a blind date of sorts... I checked the web site for the station and he seems like a nice guy... WOW... Guess I still got game...
It has been almost eight months since I last went on a date, and I find it hard not to immediately shut him, any him for that matter, out... Why is it that I can be Friends with males, but when it comes to letting them in... Letting them get to know me, that I find it impossible to chip the ice away from my heart.
I would love nothing more in this world than to smile, and mean it... I don't mean the hollow smile that I show the world, I mean the one that comes from the inside... The one I can feel start in my toes, and work all the way up through my heart, to my face...
(maybe some relief of the sexual frustration would help hehehe, see there I go again making light of how I feel... It is all about image and no one wants to see the darker side of things... So you leave your baggage in the closet and act as though everything is okay... There is the reason the ice won't melt... I don't, can't, won't trust... With out trust no relationship will work.)
Please excuse the ramblings... I am trying to deal with many emotions as well as frustrations and this just seemed to flow from my finger tips...
At the Hospital...
I will not be able to post for a while, as we rushed my Mema to the hospital on Tuesday at 4 am, and I have been there pretty much ever sense. Aside from work yesterday and today, I have had zero access to the internet, and even less sleep... I miss writing, I miss PA, I miss IM, but more than any of this I miss my Mema being okay. She is pretty stable as far as being in ICU goes, but she is not out of the woods yet.
As you can tell from my darker poetry, I didn't have the best of childhoods. I think everyone needs someone to love them, just as they are, to spoil them, to hold them special in their hearts, to try to protect them from every thing dark. My Mema and Papa were my safe haven, my escape from an other wise cruel world. He is my hero, and she the voice of reason in my head. Tuesday morning these roles were reversed. I became my Papa's pillar of strength, and became my Mema's care giver/ gaurdian. My mother was a mess, and I had never seen my Papa cry untill that day. I was unable to show weakness for fear that their worlds would crumble. Inside I was sobbing to see them both so weak, Papa emotionally and Mema physically.
I am a firm believer in prayer, so If you pray please say one for us, and if not keep us in your thoughts and keep your fingers crossed!
Rachel said...
My Ghost
It hides among the shadows of my memories tucked back.
It burrows deep among them, acting like I'm in denial.
Haunting me as time goes by, those memories of old.
It creeps behind my every smile, behind every sun that sets.
Daring me to be weak, so those horrors will be told.
I am strong, I am brave, and I fight it every day.
Crushing power, keeping secrets silently locked away.
It waits patiently in me, weighing down my soul.
I dare not confide because, I blame myself, who else?
Somehow I’ll be labeled evil, tainted in someway.
A war surges up inside me.
Do I hate him or do I hate me?
It is the past that refuses to succumb to history.
I fight it everyday, it is just a part of me.
It is my ghost.
It is my past.
But is it really my fault?
Rachel said...
I like that there is no rhyme, but this is something that you do not often do, therefor it seems to me that you are a bit uncomfortable in this piece, you know what I mean?
"It hides among the shadows of my memories tucked back."
This is a good example of allowing yourself to flow and let go, you do this here and the line is wonderful up until I get to the word "back" it stops me like a red light and I am immediately taken out of this great emotion that is expressed in this poem. My suggestion would be to now go back over this poem (I know I am such a re-write queen) and while going through it change any words that you get stuck on while you read through it, you can change them to whatever suits you, if it rhymes great, if it doesn't that is fine as well. Just as long as the poem doesn't have anything in it that disrupts the natural flow of the intended writing. The only other line that stood out to me was the last line, I am not sure how you feel about questions within the writing, I rarely use them but I am not sure I would use it as the last line because it leaves everything that was just written above and throws it's meaning out the window. ok now its time for praise...
"I am strong, I am brave, and I fight it every day.
Crushing power, keeping secrets silently locked away."
These middle two lines are so great, wonderfully written and very expressive and real.
"It waits patiently in me, weighing down my soul.
I dare not confide because, I blame myself, who else?
Somehow I’ll be labeled evil, tainted in someway.
A war surges up inside me.
Do I hate him or do I hate me?"
This is also another great stanza, nicely said, I would just change the "me" on the last line to "myself". I am happy to see this poem, it shows that you are getting much more comfortable in your writing and you are giving your spirit a chance to be heard and you do this with grace. I think you should go over it and edit it, give it a polish, I would like to see the difference after giving it some time. great job!!!!! :)
Lonesome
I decided to stop dating over seven months ago. This was due to a strenuous work/ school schedule, and an imposing knee surgery. Well, that semester has ended, work is back to normal, and I am over my knee surgery, so I have no more excuses. And although I am content being single, I am also lonesome. I miss certian things about being in a relationship. Communication, trust, companionship... sex... I miss having someone to back me up, and being able to return the favor. I miss being held at night. I miss the kisses for no good reason. I miss working on a car together. I do not miss him, I miss the idea of him.
I look back, and I realize that I have felt this way for more than four long years. I have had many relationships since then, but all have been empty. I don't even give them a chance to get close. I will find any reason to throw them back... It is time to move on. I have got to let go. I cannot let his ghost rule my life any longer. I am not going to go jumping into anything, but I am not going to shut men out anymore. I am sure that if "he" walked back into my life, I would stick with my decision to leave. I made the right choice so why can't I let go??? Well, here goes.
About me
Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
About Me:
Just a woman trying to find her way.
These are the innermost thoughts of me,
who am I? Just read and see.
If I stir in you, any emotion at all,
then I have reached my goal.
Forever me...
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Good quote! Cheers on the words to the D.J. and who cares if it was not tactful he obviously wasn't tactful. ;) I hope you are feeling better...:)
9:23 AM
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